Only the Irish have jokes like this.

#1
    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train.. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
    "Michael O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.
    "That little O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
    "That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

#2
    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.  A cop pulls him over.
    "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
    "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
    "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
    "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
    "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk, "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

#3
    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
    He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
    She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
    She says, "That he did, Father."
    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
    She says, "He said, Please Mary, put down that goddamn gun....."

#4

AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."

Self-Help for "Short" Men

A  man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,
"Do you have the new book for men with short penises? I can't
remember the title."

She  says, "Hmmm... I'm not sure if it's in yet."

He  replies, "That's the one! I'll take one copy."

Guts vs. Balls

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: here
is the medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really
know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being
met by your  wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, 'Are you
still cleaning, or are  you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your
wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.